Against the Wind

I’m still reading. But, at least, at last, I know why. I’m building something, creating something in a way, jen’s shown me what and why and eventually I’ll talk here about all that. That is for then, for now, I’m still just running against the wind, but loving it completely. So two songs I’d like to share with you tonight, the first is self-explanatory, lol. And I’ll explain the second. :^)

Against the Wind

This second song is one I heard for the first time last week. It had a profound effect on me. It has many levels and it is perfectly beautiful. It is by an acoustic group named Dala, they have it on their My Space page, Dalagirls, I think if you listen to it you will as enthralled as I am. And I hope see the possibilities that spring from within it.

Fortress
I will watch you disappear
From my fortress over here
And I will never understand
Every heart’s a foreign land

CHORUS
And I’m so afraid to
So afraid to
Love you

I have turned my eyes away
From the harsh light of your day
And I have slept through pouring rain
It was all that kept me sane

chorus

I can’t help where I’ve come from
I can’t help that I’m so numb
I’m dying for my city lights
You’re dying from your country life

chorus

I have drawn lines in the sand
To remind us where we stand
And I’ll build castles while you thirst
They’ll fall down but you’ll fall first

We are each a foreign land, each brave soul who has taken the step from behind the veil into this wonderland of the relative universe. We all draw our lines in the sand and build our castles well. What we need learn and have not yet is that when the wind blows away the lines and knocks down our castles of sand, is when we need each most. To have and to hold, each other, forever and ever, amen. much love, :^) gene

If today brings even one choice your way
choose to be a bringer of the light :^) gene

Bette Davis Eyes

Okay so someone out there needs to tell me what the hell this means. I am going to tell you a slightly weird story and I know someone out there has the answer, just not who. All day today, I have had this phrase, I didn’t know it was a song, running through my head.

Bette Davis Eyes

And I don’t know what it means. Someone does. Tell me. It is important. Why? Well that I cannot tell you, unless you have the key. much love, :^) gene

If today brings even one choice your way
choose to be a bringer of the light :^) gene

Limbo

I’m a little crabby about this. That might show through. First though, some context, Michael Moore’s, Sicko. That is where I start. The rest of the world can do this, why can’t we?

This is intensely personal. I might even use bad language. So watch yourselves. :^). If you have been to my main site, if you got here from there, you will know I had two sons. Evan, born 7/31/74, 7 lbs, 14 ounces, and Brandon, born 1/7/76 7 lbs, 12 1/2 ounces. 10:16 pm for Evan and 8:02 for Brandon. Evan is still with me. Brandon committed suicide February 11, 1997 just after 2 pm. I know this because although when I got to the hospital, he was hooked up to machinery, and looked perfectly normal, but for the bandage around his head, the next morning when his mother insisted someone TELL her when her son died, a rather unfeeling practitioner said, the moment he put the gun to his head. No one bothered to tell us that, that night. No one said he was gone. There were these buzzing people who kept talking to us about organ donation, but NO ONE said he was dead, gone. And, I wanted those people to go away. They had no heart, no soul, they were gardeners, tending a harvest. Not people mourning our son. I know they had a noble purpose, but they disgusted me.

We, our two families and Brandon’s friends, spent that night in a place I have too often found myself and do, in a way, again.

Wiki defines it as: “In Roman Catholic theology, In Roman Catholic theology, Limbo (Latin limbus, edge or boundary, referring to the “edge” of Hell) is a hypothetical afterlife condition of those who die in original sin without being assigned to the Hell of the damned (gehenna). Limbo is not an official doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church or any other. Medieval theologians described the underworld (“hell”, “hades”, “infernum”) as divided into four distinct underworlds: hell of the damned (which some call gehenna), purgatory, limbo of the fathers, and limbo of infants. Limbo (Latin limbus, edge or boundary, referring to the “edge” of Hell) is a hypothetical afterlife condition of those who die in original sin without being assigned to the Hell of the damned (gehenna). Limbo is not an official doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church or any other. Medieval theologians described the underworld (“hell”, “hades”, “infernum”) as divided into four distinct underworlds: hell of the damned (which some call gehenna), purgatory, limbo of the fathers, and limbo of infants.”

I’m not Roman Catholic, but Neale Walsch was raised in that tradition. My own was simpler, you went to Heaven or you went to hell. But limbo is where I find myself, where I spent that night 11 plus years ago and where I’ve spent most nights ever since. Wandering, wondering, thinking. It occurs to me that all conditions possible from Heaven to Hell and whatever other number of postulates one might put between them can, and probably do, exist right here on Earth, in simultaneity with each other, depending on the state and condition of ones life. I’m a little tired of limbo. Jen says it won’t last much longer and that really isn’t where I am anyway, but it IS what it feels like to me. It most certainly isn’t what I felt in the presence of the light globes, THAT condition I consider Heaven, or as close to it as I’ll ever come, I find it hard to even imagine a feeling better than that. And it isn’t one I’ve ever been able to duplicate here on earth. I suppose that may be by design. But if it is? I don’t like that part of the design because it occurs to me that this might be a very much nicer place if everyone had the taste of truth I’ve had. So, the question then becomes, why haven’t they? And the answer eludes me, thus limbo. Of which, as I mentioned, I’m very tired. It is what has been keeping me quiet these past weeks, this question, pondering it. No progress to report. Still here in limbo. And after a bit more pondering, a bit more reading, three things I am working on now, I’ll come back to this and the political season which is upon us once more. Soon, I hope. I’m quite a fast reader, it is the understanding of what I read that I wrestle with, try to put in some shape that makes sense to me. I’m finding that difficult but have hopes what I’m reading at the moment will help with that, that if I pour enough words into the threshing machine that is my mind, eventually a bale of knowledge will pop out. That’s usually what happens anyway. This time, well, I’ll wait see. Until then, much love, :^) gene

If today brings even one choice your way
choose to be a bringer of the light :^) gene

Okay then

Now that I’ve gotten those out of me, or out of my way, though that doesn’t sound quite right, Steve Goodier is never someone to get out of your way, he is someone to cherish, I do have a couple things to rant about tonight.

There is an old saying, “there is something rotten in Denmark.” I have no idea how it originated and haven’t enough interest to go googling to find out. This is going to be, well, a prelude, though it may not always sound that way, to THE TRUTH of us. And, fair warning, that isn’t always going to be pretty. For what I appear to be, a relatively mellow guy, sort of the guy next door, I have strong opinions and I’m going to share them here. We’re coming back to the books (CWG, 1&2), lol, but we’re going beyond them as well. I have to chuckle here. Because as much as I admire Neale Donald Walsch, in book 1, he said there would be three. 3. Three. And I believed him. You may notice that HERE, I only talk about books one and two. There is a reason. I admire Neale, he spoke the truth, although through his own filter, and he brought God to life for a lot of people. People who were left out of “traditional religion”, excluded from “traditional religion”, as if they didn’t exist. In those first two books, Neale brought ALL of us back to God. He brought us back to the truth of us. The truth we “forget” as we slip into the physical realm God created for us.

Now that isn’t surprising, or as surprising as one might think. God makes it quite clear in the beginning of book 1. If there is nothing else BUT God, how does God know he/she exists? If there is nothing but love, how does God know that? Well, the method God chose to find out is ingenious, and why shouldn’t it be? How can one know oneself as one thing without knowing anything else? And so He created the physical realm, in which we are presently ensconced. Here, it is easy to know what we are and what we are not. We can SEE and FEEL and TOUCH. I am not hot, because I know what hot is, giggle. And I’m not that. No, that is NOT where I’m going. Dirty minds. giggle. But that’s okay too. This story is about my 7th birthday. I’d never had a birthday party before. I started school at 5, first grade, the rule was September first but I was so close, the 7th, that they let me in. How I don’t know. But what that meant was that I was always the youngest and smallest of my class. I mean it worked out fine, I was intellectually ready, giggle, if that can be said about a first grader. It wasn’t then, like it is now, when children are expected to know things, like the alphabet, before starting school. It was just take ‘em as you get ‘em.

My school was a two room, 8 grade school, grades 1-4 in the “little” room and 5-8 in the “big” room. My class was 5 kids. Three girls, another boy and me. We got out 5 minutes early for recess and I spent those 5 minutes hiding from the other kids. I was terrified. All I knew were adults. And I found our “lessons” tedious, whatever we were told, I remembered. I didn’t realize I was different, really, though I had suspicions, until November when we began practicing our christmas presentation, which was a bunch of songs and several plays. We first graders weren’t expected to do much, just a few lines to memorize and then recite. That was when I first really understood I WAS different. We were standing in line to recite our lines, our first run-through, and I already knew mine. The kid next to me was SO nervous, he had NO idea what to say or do, and I thought, how could you not? And I made my first enemy, there’ll be more, giggle, cuz I am not nearly through, but I laughed, out loud, yep, a lol, because it was so easy. I read them, I knew them. I didn’t know it wasn’t like that for everyone else. And I thought he was making fun, but he wasn’t. That is a story that goes on a while and is not the purpose of this evening’s post. It was difficult, I don’t say it wasn’t, cuz he was bigger and stronger and made my life hell for a lot of years. But it still isn’t the point for tonight.

The point of this post, and I hope Neale doesn’t take this badly, because I don’t mean it that way, but he didn’t keep his bargain with God. Three books. And Jen told me to stop reading after two. Which I mostly did. I’ve read Book 3, and own a couple others, but, as she told me and in my experience after book two, they became more about Neale than God. And I am only interested in God. I have no idea how many there are now but someone showed me a book the other day, by Neale, called Happier Than God. He turned a miracle into a traveling sideshow.

Not alone, mind you. There are quite a few of what people would call “new age” writers. They all speak the same language. They all have the same message. And they have made quite a nice career out of endorsing each others books and seminars. If you pay attention, and I do, you will see that on the jacket of each new book, there will be lauding quotes from other authors, about how this particular book breaks new ground, etc. But if you pay attention, and I do, you will see that these people who are so enamored of this new work are all the same people. They recommend each others books and seminars. I do not cast aspersions here because each of these people have contributed to the global consciousness in important ways, nor do I castigate them for having made a career out of that. Whatever floats your boat. Yes, Mike, if ever you find this and read it, that is for you, giggle.

So we have this group of New Age authors, all with essentially the same message (okay this is THE weirdest thing, I feel like I am wearing a hat, giggle, it is jen, pressing hard on my crown chakra, and yes indeed the chakra system exists – it is one of those things that hold here and there, here and there, without which here and there could not exist, they’d be squooshed into one space) we are all really one. And that is the literal, physical truth, there IS only one of us, we are all born of the same parent, and as such, we are all one. Home isn’t like this place. Where a thing is here and another thing is there. Home is a place where love is all there is. And I have been blessed to see it. That is on my main sight. Gawd, given the amount of words you find here, you’d think this is it, and I wouldn’t blame you, but it isn’t. The truth of me is on the main site, so if you haven’t gone there, do. If you don’t mind. :^). Okay. Not done. But this is large. And so many other things happening. One of the most wonderful person I have ever met is going to give birth this weekend, Friday, I think. My remaining son, and if that makes him sound lesser, then you are reading this wrong, has enormous problems. We’ll talk about that stuff next. Cuz that will be health care, or lack of it. Coming soon to this location, lol, much love, :^) gene

Beauty

LOOKING FOR BEAUTY

Many people like me feel slightly passed over in a world that seems to place a high value on beauty. But a short poem by Anthony Ewell reminds us that physical attractiveness can be over-rated. He writes:

“As a beauty I am not a great star,
There are others more handsome by far.
But my face, I don’t mind it,
For I am behind it,
It’s the people in front who get the jar!”

Physically, maybe I’m not the stuff dreams are made of. And maybe, as the poem suggests, it doesn’t matter. Because I believe there is another kind of beauty in all of us that can be experienced by anybody who digs a little deeper.

Several times I have visited a natural wonder that is one of the largest and most spectacular of its kind in the world. Carlsbad Caverns is an immense series of limestone caves extending under much of southern New Mexico (USA). Native Americans took refuge in the gaping hole that is the main entrance, but they did not venture far. A hundred years ago settlers in the area were attracted to the opening by the awesome sight of hundreds of thousands of bats swarming from the hole every summer evening. Though a bat guano mining operation was set up, nobody explored much beyond the bat’s dwelling places.

Eventually, a cowboy name Jim White explored deeper. He returned with fantastic stories of gigantic subterranean chambers, spectacular cave formations and unbelievably stupendous sights. Even in 1915, after black and white photographs were taken of the caverns, many did not believe. The government sent skeptic Robert Holley to investigate in 1923. He wrote in his final report, “I am wholly conscious of the feebleness of my efforts to convey in words the deep conflicting emotions, the feeling of fear and awe, and the desire for an inspired understanding of the Divine Creator’s work which presents to the human eye such a complex aggregate of natural wonders.”

A whole new world – majestic, wondrous and awe-inspiring – lay hidden from view. Its unimagined beauty can only be experienced by exploring beneath the surface.

And so it is with people. I have found in people a unique inner beauty that can be discovered by exploring beneath the surface. They may not believe it is there themselves, but that does not mean it doesn’t exist.

Those outward looks we’re usually so self-conscious about don’t matter much. Who people really are may be hidden beneath the outer landscape like a magnificent subterranean palace. And when you care to scratch the surface a bit, you can discover what others have missed.

And you will be rewarded beyond measure.

– Steve Goodier

I gotta say, hmmm, to this one. Cuz I’m no beauty rock. :^). Gotta tell you this story, it fits. When my youngest son, Brandon, was six or so, one night he’d been out with his brother and the others in their age group, we lived in a really unique, and safe place for kids, then. Plus I could see them out my balcony window, lol. I was cooking supper when Brandon came in all breathless, unfortunately asthma, which I am going to talk about in the next post, has that affect, and said, “Dad! I have something for you!” I asked him what it was, hands behind his back and all, giggle, and he gave me this big smile and this rock. It’s, oh maybe 3 inches long and 2 deep. It looks like a piece of tar with little white marshmallows in it. I said, well, thank you, what is it? And he said, “its a beauty rock, dad, and I found it for you.” It has sat on a kitchen counter ever since. Though, at the moment, it is sitting on my computer desk. He’s been dead 11 years and four months. I’ve had this beauty rock for at least 36 years. I want it cremated with me. It’s been part of me forever, why shouldn’t it stay that way? Unless his brother wants it. His brother figures in my next post. I guess I’ve been saving them up and tonight they are spilling out. So, though I am myself no beauty, well, at least I’ve got a beauty rock! much love, :^) gene

A little more Steve

REAL LIBERATION

I had a remarkable conversation with a woman about physical limitations. Nancy was a sufferer of M.S. She could no longer walk and spent her waking hours in a wheelchair.

“I’m not ‘confined’ to the wheelchair,” she insisted one day. “It doesn’t confine me. It sets me free.”

I had never thought of it that way. And I have never referred to someone in a wheelchair since as being “confined.”

She asked me, “Do you want to know my reason for living?” It seemed like an abrupt change of subject, but I went with it.

“What is it?”

“To liberate people. To set them free.”

She must have studied my face and figured I needed more help. “It’s like me…before I got my wheelchair, I had trouble getting around,” she explained. “Now I can go places. But other people may be trapped in different ways. So however I can free people, I want to do it.”

“People speak of being ’shut in,’” she continued. “People who have difficulty leaving a room or a house or a bed are not ’shut in.’ They’re ’shut out’ — shut out of activities and shut out of people’s lives. So I try to help people find some freedom, however I can.”

I wonder how she’d handle my limitations, though. I can get around all right, but I hold myself back by my thinking. I say, “We’ll never do that!” or “I just don’t believe that is possible” and later find that
somebody proved me wrong. It’s my beliefs and attitudes that cause some of my biggest problems. They are as limiting to me as Nancy’s disease is to her.

“Almost everybody walks around with a vast burden of imaginary limitations inside his head,” says author J. H. Brennan. “While the burden remains, personal success is as difficult to achieve as the conquest of Everest with a sack of rocks tied to your back.”

It IS a burden, isn’t it? Like a sack of rocks. Some people carry the burden that they will never be able to pursue a passion or achieve a cherished dream. And some tote around the idea that other people can
experience good things of life, or simply be happy, but they never will. Our thinking itself can be as much a burden as climbing a mountain with a sack of rocks tied to our backs.

When I feel “confined” by my thinking, I sometimes ponder these words from Darwin P. Kingsley, past president of New York Life Insurance Company:

“You have powers you never dreamed of.
You can do things you never thought you could do.
There are no limitations in what you can do except
the limitations of your own mind.”

Now THAT sets me free! Free to live. Free to risk. Free to move
forward. Free to be…me.

It’s real liberation.

– Steve Goodier

It is, isn’t it? That last little bit? We all have powers we’ve never dreamed of and so never use, it never even occurs to us to try. Well, some of us are going to be in for a shock, giggle. One of these fine days. much love :^) gene

Hello, its been a while

It has been a while and I have a lot to say. Not sure I’ll say it all tonight but over the next few days, a few things are going to come out. :^) So, as I sat down, jen started singing me a song. This is not how I’d planned to open, but she’s never wrong and I’m rarely right, so we’ll do this her way. :^) Bet this is on YouTube, brb, Hello, its been a while. If you’d like to listen to an oldie, but a goodie, click the link. :^)

Yeah, it’s been a while
Not much, how about you
I’m not sure why I called
I guess I really just wanted to talk to you

And I was thinkin’ maybe later on
We could get together for a while
It’s been such a long time
And I really do miss your smile

I’m not talking about movin’ in
And I don’t want to change your life
But there’s a warm wind blowin’ the stars around
And I’d really love to see you tonight

We could go walkin’ through a windy park
Take a drive along the beach
Or stay at home and watch TV
You see it really doesn’t matter much to me

I’m not talking about movin’ in
And I don’t want to change your life
But there’s a warm wind blowin’ the stars around
And I’d really love to see you tonight

I won’t ask for promises
So you don’t have to lie
We’ve both played that game before
Say I love you then say goodbye

I’m not talking about movin’ in
And I don’t want to change your life
But there’s a warm wind blowin’ the stars around
And I’d really love to see you tonight

I’m not talking about movin’ in
And I don’t want to change your life
But there’s a warm wind blowin’ the stars around
And I’d really love to see you tonight

And so we shall. I’ve a lot to say. But before I do, I want to share a couple things from Steve Goodier, who has been often featured, with permission, here.

A MONSTER TO HUG

One couple spent a holiday driving in the mountains. “Every time you race around one of those narrow curves,” exclaimed the wife, “I just get terrified.”

“Then do what I do,” suggested her husband. “Close your eyes!”

We are all afraid at times, but closing our eyes may not be the best way through fear. I’ve found it better to open my eyes and try to experience those fears.

You’ve heard of facing your fears; how about embracing them?

I think one man’s experience with fear can help.

In 1972 David Miln Smith had such an opportunity. Smith, an adventurer, author and professional speaker, decided to spend a night alone in the famous St. Michael’s Cave on the island of Gibraltar as a test of courage. In his book HUG THAT MONSTER (Andrews and McMeel, 1996), he tells of hearing strange sounds all around him as he lay there in the pitch-black, damp, deserted cave. Most frightening was
the fact that he came to believe he was not alone!

Fear became panic and he was afraid he was losing his mind. Then suddenly, as he was approaching his psychological breaking point, Smith thought to himself, “Whatever the monster looks like, I will hug it.” That simple, almost silly thought brought great relief to his restless mind. He soon fell into a deep and peaceful sleep until morning. He learned that embracing his fear, literally or figuratively, allowed him to subdue it.

We each have our nights of fear, don’t we? We all encounter monsters of some sort. We may fear spiders or insects, heights or crowds, abandonment or loneliness, the future or death. And most of us are occasionally visited by shadows of these monsters in the dark of night.

The next time you’re afraid, try “hugging the monster.” Face it and embrace it. It’s hard to feel afraid of something you’re hugging! And you just might be surprised at how quickly it slips away and at how
confident you begin to feel.

That beautiful spirit Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.” But after looking it in the face, how about embracing it? Just imagine yourself putting your arms around whatever is keeping you awake in the night. Make it your friend. because it is! Whatever you fear, once faced and embraced, will actually make you a better person.

Now. do you have a monster to hug?

– Steve Goodier

I’m not sure about you but I do. But this is enough for one post, after all, the rule is keep them short, giggle. I’m not very good with rules. Never have been. And that isn’t going to improve, I’m afraid. No, that isn’t true, I’m not afraid in the least, I’ll just hug my monster. much love, :^) gene